Why Therapy Is Not Enough for Neurodivergent Women

In a recent call, a client (who is actually a therapist themselves), shared some of her past experiences with therapy.

“It’s funny to me- I’m thinking about a previous experience in therapy where the therapist fired me. Because “you come in here and solve all your own problems.”

The therapist said she didn't feel ethical charging my client since all she did was sit there, nod, and occasionally give feedback. Despite being an therapist who specializes in ADHD, she didn't understand what my client ACTUALLY needed.

It reminded me of the three therapists I went through in my early adult years.

After the first couple sessions of sharing my life story I was met with responses of "You are already doing so much better than I would expect you to" and "You are so self aware".

The last one was in my early 20s. I was in college, working almost full time, and completely drowning. And then my brother died.

Everyone told me therapy would help. So I got on the waitlist and a month later took the day off work for my appointment. Only to be told "I can't help you"

I sat on the small gray couch, staring at the red patterned rug under my feet, speechless. Literally. Selective mutism took over.

Because I had once again opened up to a completely stranger about my struggles and instead of receiving the support I had been promised, I realized I would have to figure it out on my own. With no support. 

How could they not understand I was barely hanging on? Why can't people SEE me drowning?

This experience actually led me to a special interest in how humans work and figuring out how to actually heal myself. Which led me to eventually becoming a coach.

That day in the therapist's office was almost a decade before I learned I'm AuDHD and heard the term high masking.

Before I worked with hundreds of clients who have similar stories about their less than awesome therapy experiences. Some way worse than mine!

One client who had tried multiple therapists over 6 years had been made to feel like she was intentionally avoiding feeling better! My programs are not a replacement for therapy, but she felt more progress in the first month in my 1-1 program than she had in those 6 years. 

If therapy has felt like spinning your wheels, making minimal progress, or like you end up being the one educating and holding space for them, it’s not your fault.

The RIGHT therapist can be an amazing support in your journey. Sadly, most therapists don’t have the training or lived experience to really SEE and support the needs of high masking neurospicy women.

There are 4 main reasons that I've found most of my clients (and myself included) did not get the results they were hoping for with therapy and mindset work alone.

1. The brain/body disconnect.

At some point, possibly before you can remember, you decided that living in your mind was safer than living in your body. 

So you disconnected from your body experience (because it felt overwhelming, unsafe, or painful) and started to lean almost entirely on your seemingly logical and rational brain.

But the body is where all of your unprocessed experiences, fears and beliefs are stored (the ones that shape your experience of reality).

Therapy and mindset work both attempt to go THROUGH the head to get to the things that are stored in the body. 

But most high masking clients I've worked with either can't explain what they are experiencing (hello alexithymia and delayed processing!) OR they compensate with the next point...

2. You’re too smart.

Because you’ve spent decades operating from your mind, analyzing, filling in the gaps with your overthinking, the top down techniques are quickly dismantled and disregarded by your logical brain.

You see patterns and come up with the “right” answer (even if it's not what you are actually experiencing). Or your conscious mind rejects the new belief or technique.

Oftentimes, the therapist or coach has no idea this is happening. You may not even realize it in the moment!

Especially if you are highly sensitive or empathic. Being overwhelmed by the energy and emotions of others is not the same as being able to sit with, feel, and process what your own body is experiencing. But it's hard for most people to tell the difference!

You need a combination of techniques that are able to work around your brain from someone who knows what to look for and how to pivot.

3. Your nervous system is completely shot.

Mindset, manifesting, and many therapeutic techniques only work when your nervous system has the capacity to safely experience and integrate them. Decades of masking, survival mode, and pushing yourself to have wreaked havoc on your nervous system.

This is why I take a nervous system first approach with every single client. 

4. They don't treat the WHOLE person. 

Therapists and mindset coaches aren't usually trained to also take into consideration and support executive functioning, chronic illness/physical health issues, masking, twice exceptional, empathic abilities and all the other areas that MAJORLY affect your progress.

Sustainable long term progress comes from an approach that takes ALL OF YOU into account.

The work also needs to be customizable enough for you to listen to what your body and soul are telling you (because you are the authority on you- gaslighting and one size fits all approaches are a hard pass).

If you are looking for a new therapist, a lot my clients have had success finding a great fit through https://ndtherapists.com/.

I'm not affiliated with them. It's just a great resource to find a therapist who is neurodivergent themselves and specializes in what you need.

If you want to learn about the holistic approach I take with my coaching clients, check out my 1-1 program Sacred Creatrix. 

Stay Spicy Friend!